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jokes
Aug 18, 2010 15:46:59 GMT -7
Post by fastnova on Aug 18, 2010 15:46:59 GMT -7
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided >to take them to the county fair and sell them. > > > >At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. >After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split >everything 50/50. > > > >The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive >thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs >mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got >up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, >which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. > > > >While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How >will I know if they are pregnant?" > > > >The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass >in >the morning, they're pregnant. If they' re in the mud, >they're >not." > > > >The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed >them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and >proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more >than a week. > > > >The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He >called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me >whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." > > > >"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the >station wagon and >one of them is honking the horn."
Old Guys Rule
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jokes
Aug 18, 2010 15:49:56 GMT -7
Post by fastnova on Aug 18, 2010 15:49:56 GMT -7
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an examp le of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ; _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.
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shark
New Member
Posts: 13
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jokes
Aug 27, 2010 6:15:16 GMT -7
Post by shark on Aug 27, 2010 6:15:16 GMT -7
THE SOUTH---YA'LL GOTTA LOVE IT
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?'
'Yep', he replied. 'That why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says,...'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, someone just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
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shark
New Member
Posts: 13
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jokes
Aug 30, 2010 6:20:57 GMT -7
Post by shark on Aug 30, 2010 6:20:57 GMT -7
MORE FROM THE SOUTH
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stoke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call', nodder the hunter, 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying,....'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
Georgia
A Georgia State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D...?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded,'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
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shark
New Member
Posts: 13
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jokes
Aug 31, 2010 6:28:02 GMT -7
Post by shark on Aug 31, 2010 6:28:02 GMT -7
JOB APPLICATION LETTERMy RezimayDeer Sur, I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, Ican start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 your anser. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar. Sinseerly, Peggy May McBiggins PS: I half includeded a pickture of me Below Employer's response:Dear Peggy May,.... PLEASE START ON MONDAY, WE HAVE SPELL CHECK
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